A Patchwork Life – Part 6

old-woman

 

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

I wear many mask, many hats, I am a master of concealing my feelings…

Some people seem to understand the process of grief, I am trying very hard to put it into words and along the way, and I hope that I will find “relief”; for me it is a journey through a colossal maze where on each turn I question why!

I have had many experiences with grief, I have accepted each as a loss in my life, I do not deny them; I do pretend that it does not hurt, as I have said before, the time it takes to heal is a very individual thing.  I know that I must be willing to heal, but the pain lets me know that I have lost precious gifts from God; I am afraid that if I do not hurt, it will mean they are fading away; pain allows them to be a presence in my life although I do not talk to or see them.

I know that how I feel is not “healthy” mentally, but it keeps me from going over the edge into a void from which I may not return.  Therefore, I face the pain daily!  I know that there are support systems, and I believe they are good for those who will accept their help.  At this “stage” of my life, I have acquaintances, not close friends; I buried my best friend one year before the tragedy of losing my children, family has moved on; found their peace with the loss.  This means that they would not understand my holding on to grief, how do I know this…they told me.  I re-assess and re-evaluate my life daily, will I survive until I find the end of the maze; of course I will survive to the “end” and then be with those that I have lost.

I have learned to live with the redefinition that I have made for my life, I take detours, change directions; but I am no longer totally lost and confused and I may never find the main path to less pain.  The new definition of myself allows me to move forward into the future.  *C.S. Lewis said, “Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person”; his words are so very true.

Here are the things that I have done to keep me on the path; I created written memorials, I have accepted the change in me and it would be impossible to return to a normal existence; I continue to have a deep faith in a Greater Power; I exercise, bike, walk; I keep my mind busy; I cherish every moment I am with my children (because parents are not suppose to outlive their children…but sometimes they do) and I survive.

My heart will forever be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.

©2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree

 

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8 thoughts on “A Patchwork Life – Part 6

  1. do not be afraid to let go – they will always still be there
    Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

    All that is gold does not glitter
    Not all those who wander are lost
    The old that is strong does not wither
    Deep roots are not reached by the frost
    From the ashes a fire shall be woken
    A light from the shadows shall spring
    Renewed shall be blade that was broken
    The crownless again shall be king.

    from J.R.R. Tolkien’s FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
    I also have lost those I love. I feel for you

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  2. I’ve recently discovered that grief is never the same twice…and my heart has opened to actually feel it, which is a mixed blessing. I love the patchwork metaphor: rich and true. God bless you.

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