Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…
I wear many mask, many hats, I am a master of concealing my feelings…
Some people seem to understand the process of grief, I am trying very hard to put it into words and along the way, and I hope that I will find “relief”; for me it is a journey through a colossal maze where on each turn I question why!
I have had many experiences with grief, I have accepted each as a loss in my life, I do not deny them; I do pretend that it does not hurt, as I have said before, the time it takes to heal is a very individual thing. I know that I must be willing to heal, but the pain lets me know that I have lost precious gifts from God; I am afraid that if I do not hurt, it will mean they are fading away; pain allows them to be a presence in my life although I do not talk to or see them.
I know that how I feel is not “healthy” mentally, but it keeps me from going over the edge into a void from which I may not return. Therefore, I face the pain daily! I know that there are support systems, and I believe they are good for those who will accept their help. At this “stage” of my life, I have acquaintances, not close friends; I buried my best friend one year before the tragedy of losing my children, family has moved on; found their peace with the loss. This means that they would not understand my holding on to grief, how do I know this…they told me. I re-assess and re-evaluate my life daily, will I survive until I find the end of the maze; of course I will survive to the “end” and then be with those that I have lost.
I have learned to live with the redefinition that I have made for my life, I take detours, change directions; but I am no longer totally lost and confused and I may never find the main path to less pain. The new definition of myself allows me to move forward into the future. *C.S. Lewis said, “Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person”; his words are so very true.
Here are the things that I have done to keep me on the path; I created written memorials, I have accepted the change in me and it would be impossible to return to a normal existence; I continue to have a deep faith in a Greater Power; I exercise, bike, walk; I keep my mind busy; I cherish every moment I am with my children (because parents are not suppose to outlive their children…but sometimes they do) and I survive.
My heart will forever be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.