Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…
Yes, the loss of my children four years ago still leaves a numbness and disbelief, tears within, anger and helplessness, sadness and depression from which there is no relief; yet I continue to survive.
Numbness is a gift, but when it wears off a deep pain and loneliness set in, family and friends return to their normal lives; your life will never be normal again, grief has changed it forever. Then the “firsts” begin…the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, then the hardest, the “birthday”. Books, articles and such will tell one that the first year is the worse, well maybe, but it may not be and if you are one of those people who face every day as another first; that is all right too. If the healing never begins that is all right too! You may be one of those people that believe that the pain is keeping the memories alive and you do not want to forget; or have the memories dim.
I will tell you that coping gets easier as the years go by, your life will never be normal again, your loved one(s) are gone. However, coping does take place in your life, like a cut…the scars of your loss covers the pain where others cannot see; you are coping. I cope by trying to spend or share special moments like birthdays with family, it helps me to hide what is truly going on inside. Am I a “wreak”…only on the inside, that no one sees; I wear many mask, many hats, I am a master of concealing my feelings. Nevertheless, I ask that you be gentle with yourself if possible.
I try to remember: “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. – John 16:22″… I hope that the words that I have read and have written are true.
Thus, my heart continues to be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.