Imminent Thoughts…

 

Drinking from a vial of dark sadness, cannot

forget, will not forget; mind reeling, mouth

twisted, choking; this pain is not terminal it is

permanent.

Pain, an accumulation from the past that lingers

in memory, drifting in dreams, floundering on

invisible winds of winter; searching through the

impenetrable haze called tomorrow.

A frosted pane, bare branches waving does not

clear the cobwebbed corners of a grieving mind.

A fractured mirror imaging the soul dances

among the sunlight, a pit of Hell or tower to the

Heavens fear is no longer the builder of an

unfinished life.

 

©2014.imminentthoughts.annjohnsonmurphree

Free eBook Promotion – Beginning Monday 2/27

ann johnson-murphree

The Reflection of Poetry eBook will be offered “FREE” from Monday January 27 through Friday January 31 at Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Poetry-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00GMRPMLW/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1390764951&sr=8-5&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

I hope those who take advantage of this free offer will enjoy the book and while there check out the other poetry books and the art book as well.

annjohnsonmurphree

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New Painting…

I am getting to old to push so much into my days!  However, along with writing, I have been working on a new painting for my living room.  Completed and hung this morning.  Seems, that I am out of words and my last painting for awhile; thought I would share it with all of you.

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24×36 Acrylic – Flowers on Burgundy background

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Finished, Sofa Painting with Swag Above Painting

A glimmer of sun shines through casting shadows, one would believe it a nice day until they step outside; when this was taken the “temperature” 12 below zero!  Time to rest recoup and begin another project.  Stay warm everyone as most of us are in the deep freeze!

A Patchwork Life – Part 7…

old-woman

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

I cherish every moment that I am with my children; parents are not supposed to outlive their children…sometimes they do and I have to survive for the living.

There would be no difference in my thoughts if my loss was expected; however maybe it would have given me a chance to say goodbye.  Both gone within twenty-four hours, had I known, could I have said goodbye?

I do believe that it would be easier to lose control, let grief take over, let God’s will be done.  To control ones emotions in grief means living moment-to-moment, coping, giving full attention to not letting others see you grieve.  Redefining one’s self is not easy either, it means that you have to continue to be in full control, reality and death is an unwelcomed visitor.  One individual said to me recently, death puts your loved one in a better place.  Wrong…the better place is here with me!  I have to accept God’s will but I do not have to agree with it.  I question, I question, I question…do we evolve from nothing, live, die, return to nothing; unless you have experienced death, you cannot answer how you feel about it.  Death shakes the very foundation that the belief in God is built on; as a former “Sunday school teacher” for a decade, I have to be truthful and say faith is a heavy burden for me to bear.

If this is God’s way of teaching lessons, he has been throwing the full load at me since birth, with the heaving hitting being over the last four years.  Was I born to feel the wrath of God from birth?  Commenters…I do not want an answer to that question.  I do not want religious quotes, verses or advice; I do not want to be told that those I loved and are gone still live among us.  I do not want grief counseling.

I know that I am not alone, that there are many more going through my situation.  I know life is not fair.  I want the pain to end!  I want life restored, to stop the spiral of doubt.

Nonetheless, it is time to end this series, has my words been a cry for help, a prayer to God, neither, I had hope to find an answer to my continued punishment throughout my life in this exercise in writing.  I will continue the search for the answer in the life story that I am about to undertake and will I be able to or have time to complete.

Although I know that there are no answers for me, I ask that those who are grieving try to accomplish what I was unable to do.

Try to find those that will let you talk about your grief.  Share positive and happy memories, if possible.  I hope that those around you will accept your emotions.  Allow time for the numbness and disbelief to end, if possible.  Do not hurry your heart.  Embrace your faith if you can; move forward in your healing.

If you find that you cannot heal, forgive yourself for not being able to heal, to believe and to want answers.  Forgiveness of self is important, maybe the most important thing that you can do.

My heart will forever be like a patchwork quilt, keeping memories alive, my heart keeps breaking and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope that my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives and let them know that healing in your own time is not wrong.  Whether you have years or only a short time, love yourself through these tough times that life brings to you.

My thanks to all who have read and commented on these grief post.

© Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life.Part 1-7.2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree

Free eBook Promotion – Beginning Monday 1/27

The Reflection of Poetry eBook will be offered “FREE” from Monday January 27 through Friday January 31 at Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Poetry-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00GMRPMLW/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1390764951&sr=8-5&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

I hope those who take advantage of this free offer will enjoy the book and while there check out the other poetry books and the art book as well.

annjohnsonmurphree

A Patchwork Life – Part 6

old-woman

 

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

I wear many mask, many hats, I am a master of concealing my feelings…

Some people seem to understand the process of grief, I am trying very hard to put it into words and along the way, and I hope that I will find “relief”; for me it is a journey through a colossal maze where on each turn I question why!

I have had many experiences with grief, I have accepted each as a loss in my life, I do not deny them; I do pretend that it does not hurt, as I have said before, the time it takes to heal is a very individual thing.  I know that I must be willing to heal, but the pain lets me know that I have lost precious gifts from God; I am afraid that if I do not hurt, it will mean they are fading away; pain allows them to be a presence in my life although I do not talk to or see them.

I know that how I feel is not “healthy” mentally, but it keeps me from going over the edge into a void from which I may not return.  Therefore, I face the pain daily!  I know that there are support systems, and I believe they are good for those who will accept their help.  At this “stage” of my life, I have acquaintances, not close friends; I buried my best friend one year before the tragedy of losing my children, family has moved on; found their peace with the loss.  This means that they would not understand my holding on to grief, how do I know this…they told me.  I re-assess and re-evaluate my life daily, will I survive until I find the end of the maze; of course I will survive to the “end” and then be with those that I have lost.

I have learned to live with the redefinition that I have made for my life, I take detours, change directions; but I am no longer totally lost and confused and I may never find the main path to less pain.  The new definition of myself allows me to move forward into the future.  *C.S. Lewis said, “Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person”; his words are so very true.

Here are the things that I have done to keep me on the path; I created written memorials, I have accepted the change in me and it would be impossible to return to a normal existence; I continue to have a deep faith in a Greater Power; I exercise, bike, walk; I keep my mind busy; I cherish every moment I am with my children (because parents are not suppose to outlive their children…but sometimes they do) and I survive.

My heart will forever be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.

©2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree

 

A Patchwork Life – Part 5

old-woman

 

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

Yes, the loss of my children four years ago still leaves a numbness and disbelief, tears within, anger and helplessness, sadness and depression from which there is no relief; yet I continue to survive.

Numbness is a gift, but when it wears off a deep pain and loneliness set in, family and friends return to their normal lives; your life will never be normal again, grief has changed it forever.  Then the “firsts” begin…the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, then the hardest, the “birthday”.  Books, articles and such will tell one that the first year is the worse, well maybe, but it may not be and if you are one of those people who face every day as another first; that is all right too.  If the healing never begins that is all right too!  You may be one of those people that believe that the pain is keeping the memories alive and you do not want to forget; or have the memories dim.

I will tell you that coping gets easier as the years go by, your life will never be normal again, your loved one(s) are gone.  However, coping does take place in your life, like a cut…the scars of your loss covers the pain where others cannot see; you are coping.  I cope by trying to spend or share special moments like birthdays with family, it helps me to hide what is truly going on inside.  Am I a “wreak”…only on the inside, that no one sees; I wear many mask, many hats, I am a master of concealing my feelings.  Nevertheless, I ask that you be gentle with yourself if possible.

I try to remember:  “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. – John 16:22″…  I hope that the words that I have read and have written are true.

Thus, my heart continues to be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.

©2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree

 

A Patchwork Life – Part 4

old-woman

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

“Who am I now?”  I keep on searching, in truth I may never fully know, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, griever…

As a child when taught about death, it was not that God needed us back or that our mission in life was over; only taught to believe it was a natural process in life, we would live in the sky with our grandmothers and grandfathers; we are born and we must die!  This did not prepare me for what I would feel within and what effect the death of a loved one might have on me.  Taught to be strong, not cry if hurt within or on the outside, to be strong one did not show emotions; if one must grieve, grieve alone.  It was the “way” of my family throughout time; my great-great-grandmother who walked the long dangerous road called “The Trail of Tears”, taught this to my great-grandmother who help raised me!

This may explain my views toward grief, my actions toward grief of all heartbreaking situations within my life.  Since it is not dictated by rules or absolutes, each of us are unique in our own way, our grief is also uniquely our own.

The loss of my father, whom was the subject of my poem “The Chickasaw Farmer”, brought me to the brink of suicide.  He never showed any emotion toward me, no affection; but he was the second strongest individual in my life; my great-grandmother being the first.  He had raised me almost in the role of a single parent.  When my great-grandmother died, he showed strength that I wanted to emulate; he said that “Ma” would not want us to cry, it was not the way.  When he died, I had no one to remind me of the way he taught me to follow; I had no one to support me, I cried, then it ended and I would no longer let it go beyond my throat.  It suffocated me, choked me, I could no longer live without the only person in the world that had concern enough to care for me.  This unrelenting grief lived within me for eight months.

Each time I reached the edge of nothingness my father would speak within my mind and to my soul; his words were clear, “Be strong, it is not your time”.  During these months, I did not show this grief to anyone, I cared for my children, worked and existed; after the eight month, I came to terms with myself and I existed!

Changes were emotion, physical, thoughts, behavior and spiritual; I shut down within, in thought I searched for answers, I socially withdrew from everyone but my children and I questioned my own spiritual convictions.   How long can grief consume one, my father will be gone thirty-seven years on January 27, 2014.  The pain of this loss is unbearable, the mind fears these coming days, and I question is the way actually the right way?

The loss of my children…only four years ago; there is still numbness and disbelief, tears that flow unseen, locked within never to exit, a fog of anger and helplessness, sadness and depression from which there is no relief; but I must survive.

Therefore, my heart continues to be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive, it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.

©2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree

 

Poetry and Art – Amazon.com

ECHOING IMAGES FROM THE SOUL

The Simplicity of Life…

The human race has many possessions; as time has spawn generations of collectors where material gain has become an obsession…

http://www.amazon.com/Echoing-Images-Soul-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00CCG2WVK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390064541&sr=8-1&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

HONEYSUCKLE MEMORIES

Rickety Ole Man

A hot southern sun hides behind the willows on muddy Flint Creek, cotton pickers sweat falling on parched lips taste like salty brine while they wait for the Ole man to call “quitting time”…

http://www.amazon.com/Honeysuckle-Memories-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00CG61816/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1390064541&sr=8-2&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

Beyond the Voices

Disappearing into Hell

Growing old, no splendor to the body, luste has disappeared from aging eyes.  Vanished beauty unavoidable, shaded looks from an old lover causes the soul to cry…

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Voices-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00D3KB8E6/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1390064541&sr=8-5&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

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Thanksgiving Memories…

Sharp as a diamond was my mother’s tongue, no expression in the face she wore, set frame of mind, her last wish for me a lifetime of foreboding left me in dread; it lives on from her deathbed…

http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Poetry-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00GMRPMLW/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1390064541&sr=8-4&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

journey into art29. Birth of Cotton9.Landscape #101whales3.ANNA-Mother and Child17.The Wormwood Flower

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-into-Art-Ann-Johnson-Murphree-ebook/dp/B00CQR6M5C/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1390064541&sr=8-3&keywords=ann+johnson-murphree

Thanks to all of my followers for their support of my eBooks at Amazon.com

AJM

A Patchwork Life – Part 3

old-woman

Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…

“Who am I now?” the search continues, and yes there are too many sharing some form of grief that could be associated with my own, some greater, some less…I can only share my own story.   I appreciate the continued support of my followers in trying to convey mine.

We grow, we learn, we change throughout our lives; I am constantly shifting, searching for the meaning of my own personal self.  This in some way reflects a sense of control and maybe I can find my purpose before it is too late.

Nonetheless, a journey hand and hand with grief forces change; it is slow, it is painful …yes, everyone’s story is different.  My question continues to be, “Who am I now”?

Am I still the mother of five or only three?  Am I still a daughter even though I live with the fact that I was an unwanted child?  Am I still a sister even though my sister was my parents only child?  I sometimes tire of the questions from others, where are you from, do you have family and yes, I am a self-made loner?  Should life be nameless and faceless, I still question…”Who am I now”.

In grief, we find many people saying things that may hurt.  It is important to understand that it is not intentional.  These words of hurt are better than silence; silence hurts worse.

Therefore, my heart continues to be like a patchwork quilt, in keeping the memories alive it, my heart, keeps breaking apart and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives.

©2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree