Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life…
I cherish every moment that I am with my children; parents are not supposed to outlive their children…sometimes they do and I have to survive for the living.
There would be no difference in my thoughts if my loss was expected; however maybe it would have given me a chance to say goodbye. Both gone within twenty-four hours, had I known, could I have said goodbye?
I do believe that it would be easier to lose control, let grief take over, let God’s will be done. To control ones emotions in grief means living moment-to-moment, coping, giving full attention to not letting others see you grieve. Redefining one’s self is not easy either, it means that you have to continue to be in full control, reality and death is an unwelcomed visitor. One individual said to me recently, death puts your loved one in a better place. Wrong…the better place is here with me! I have to accept God’s will but I do not have to agree with it. I question, I question, I question…do we evolve from nothing, live, die, return to nothing; unless you have experienced death, you cannot answer how you feel about it. Death shakes the very foundation that the belief in God is built on; as a former “Sunday school teacher” for a decade, I have to be truthful and say faith is a heavy burden for me to bear.
If this is God’s way of teaching lessons, he has been throwing the full load at me since birth, with the heaving hitting being over the last four years. Was I born to feel the wrath of God from birth? Commenters…I do not want an answer to that question. I do not want religious quotes, verses or advice; I do not want to be told that those I loved and are gone still live among us. I do not want grief counseling.
I know that I am not alone, that there are many more going through my situation. I know life is not fair. I want the pain to end! I want life restored, to stop the spiral of doubt.
Nonetheless, it is time to end this series, has my words been a cry for help, a prayer to God, neither, I had hope to find an answer to my continued punishment throughout my life in this exercise in writing. I will continue the search for the answer in the life story that I am about to undertake and will I be able to or have time to complete.
Although I know that there are no answers for me, I ask that those who are grieving try to accomplish what I was unable to do.
Try to find those that will let you talk about your grief. Share positive and happy memories, if possible. I hope that those around you will accept your emotions. Allow time for the numbness and disbelief to end, if possible. Do not hurry your heart. Embrace your faith if you can; move forward in your healing.
If you find that you cannot heal, forgive yourself for not being able to heal, to believe and to want answers. Forgiveness of self is important, maybe the most important thing that you can do.
My heart will forever be like a patchwork quilt, keeping memories alive, my heart keeps breaking and I keep trying to mend it piece by piece, I hope that my experience; my words will help others in some small way with their own losses throughout their lives and let them know that healing in your own time is not wrong. Whether you have years or only a short time, love yourself through these tough times that life brings to you.
My thanks to all who have read and commented on these grief post.
© Living and Breathing a Patchwork Life.Part 1-7.2014.apatchworklife.annjohnsonmurphree